“How much do you love me?”
“Do you still love me?”
I usually ask these questions as if the answer will stop me from asking it all over again. This is the part where I feared about not having him fully, his love and affection. Blame it to the hormones, to my paranoia and my insecurities, blame it to every little edge of my personality because there will be no acceptable answer when these questions were raised. I’m glad that the person I am with would answer it: that he do love me more than anything in this world. I am also glad that he had the courage to tell me that I am being paranoid and that this has to stop.
At first, I felt bad about my questions. Then, I felt bad about his answers. Then, a lot of what if’s creep within my head and started feeding my mind with unimaginable things. It’s quite hard to deal with our own monsters, it won’t be easy. A simple “deal it, you’re mature enough for this” answer doesn’t and will never extinguish the monster inside.
My problem is more of expressing myself. My thoughts can’t get out of my head. Worse, I don’t have the confidence to say some of them. They would build inside me and create a wall within me and trap all those words that I mean to say: good or bad.
I promised to tell him what I feel because it will help him understand me. Which in turn would be a great way of communication for us but I always fail at the telling phase. I always end up with conversation inside my head and with too much silence. And as the day progresses, it’s building a wall between us. It’s drowning the happiness and the love that we promised for each other.
I may not be perfect, I still tend to ask those questions but I realized a few weeks ago that I am now asking a different question.
“Am I loving him enough?”
“Can I still make him happy?”
It was love that brought us together. And I was quite afraid that I might lose him to my inner monster. To the corner where everything seems uncertain, never realizing that in fact, his love and affection for me never faltered. It was me that created some unknown ghost and let it live between us. I wanted to love him, to make him happy because I always believe that he deserves it but my edgy part were wounding our happiness.
I am slowly turning this situation into some kind of positive pressure and that instead of asking him if he still loves me, I would ask myself if I can still make him happy. This, I think, is my own personal way of rechecking my actions. It will help me to be on track again, to realize what is important and what’s not.
I know that being with someone is not just about accepting one another, to be able to work together you need to compromise and communicate. Sometimes, I fail at communication but I’m trying my best to pave the road towards openness to him. It will never be easy but I know that it will always be worth it.