I stared into the ceiling, memorizing the perfect squares above and the placement of the light bulb in the middle. The light from it was already dead but I can still see everything clearly because the light bulb in the stairs is still on and it was more than enough to bring light in the room. I moved out from the bed into the floor, feeling the coldness as it embraces me from the very first time my body hit the tiled-floor. I stared blankly as the words dance inside my mind, exhausting my body but not my mind– it’s wide awake, denying any thought about sleep and leaving me frustrated about the time. It’s 3 in the morning!
I shifted to my side, my body screaming with numbness as the cold slowly crept into my being– feeling their coldness deep into my bones. I would rather have this cold feeling, the one this tiled-floor is giving off rather than a cold back. An indifference or the thought of being ignored at times like this is frustrating and it would lead you to a lot of realization about life and times like this.
“You’ve got to take the bad with the good.”
It’s not always rainbows and sunny days. Sometimes the cloud comes and they make the days gloomy and makes you formulate questions you never intend to ask. Days become lonelier, as if some sort of darkness is enveloping you but the truth is, it was just your cloud that’s blocking all the sun rays you deserve. Or, what people around you deserve from you.
“You need to choose because life is indeed a series of choices.”
And somewhere, hidden beneath these words are the choices you never intended to make. It’s ironic, how not choosing is in one way or another, a form of choice. I chose not to choose. I’m making a choice. And what hurts the most is the fact that it’s true, it’s right. It is and will always be a choice.
I stood up. I can’t help it anymore. I opened the door and went outside, sat on the last step of the stairs. Staring blankly into the nothingness of the night. I can hear the swift breathing of people sleeping and a distant voice talking to someone over the phone.
“Exercise, it might help.”
I guess so. I think I need to be tired to be able to sleep but I’m already exhausted, it’s not my body that’s making me feel so awake, it’s my mind. Dancing and singing these thoughts into my being. I went downstairs. Opened my yoga mat and lie there. Trying to relax and put myself at ease at this wee hour. I can’t really help it.
I’m paranoid and at this hour, another huge trauma is hitting home. After so many days of experiencing aftershocks, foreshocks and earthquake, I have this thought that what if the house would suddenly collapse, can I run? Or, if this is the last chance that I’ll be able to sleep peacefully and as of the moment I’m wasting it and what if a bigger disaster is coming my way and I’m about to face it with a sleepy mind because I didn’t have the chance to grab some sleep beforehand. What am I going to do?
Well, I’m really a paranoid-prick so my mind has the capability to build scary scenes or possibilities into my brain. I got up from my mat and decided to go back to bed. I lay there, as the thought of an unfinished training creeps into me. I’m not really a graphic person, when I was a kid, I had a hard time drawing a straight line with a ruler. Yes, that’s how pathetic my sense of straight line and the like and thus, I would rather be a back-end programmer than code for the graphics. Sometimes, life gives us chances on improving on the aspects that we think we’re really bad at and I guess that moment/chance is now. It’s high time to start learning the straight line– straight, not a zigzag.
I finally fell asleep at nearly 4. I didn’t know how but somewhat, between the fight of straight lines and the awkward words from the neighbors’ conversation, my brain finally give in to sleeping and woke up around 7 hours later– 12:30 pm. Great! Just great, I spent the last day of my long weekend sleeping through it. Well, I hope tonight will be different. I’ll definitely run late if I sleep at 4 am. @_@