I don’t listen to them always, not anymore, to the voices inside my head with their thoughts and conversations about the things that is happening and might happen in the next minutes of my life. They are always there, conversing and telling me this and that and how should I react on the things that matters for me. Though sometimes, when my hormones are unstable, I feel that confusing feeling inside of me growing, shouting and giving me all sorts of dilemma to ponder on. I would try my best to not delve on that confusing feeling, the same symptoms that they say women are experiencing when they are on their period or even before it, but just like everyone else, there’s a moment in your life when you don’t want to go with the flow, that you don’t want to be branded as some hormone-driven individual. But, how could I control the melancholic sadness inside of me, the deafening silence amidst the hassle and bustle around me, how can I not cry when crying seems to be the only thing that can lift this particular feeling off my heart. I’m in some way or another in my hormonal state, where everything seems wrong, but all of a sudden nothing is. Really.
Last night, I cried. I cried in almost every waking moments, in ever second that I feel the need to shed those tears and to make myself feel a little better but in reality, I didn’t even feel better because I get a lot of headache when I cry. Controlling my tears and the like seems impossible because there are moments when they are the only things that seems relevant to do. I won’t deny that maybe, after every single moments of trying not to be eaten alive by this branding, I am as guilty as every woman who experiences it– I am after all, as hormonal as I do.
It’s difficult for me to understand myself(at this moment) and somehow I don’t want people to look at me, judging me by my actions and asking what’s wrong. No, people! I don’t even understand myself, how can I explain something like this to you? No. I want comfort. Some comforts that doesn’t need words to soothe me to sleep but gives off that relaxing feeling of assurance and love. And somewhat, amidst my being hormonal, I am still one of the luckiest girl now.